Forever and ever. I had this idea in previous columns of forever and ever. Where did that come from? I mean, 'til death do us part is an awesome goal, but where does it say that for love to be successful, it has to last that long? I know so many people who are discouraged by love because it fails to be everlasting. In fact, I was one of those people.

I now say "Why does it have to? Hasn't the experience been a good one? Haven't we grown as individuals? Have we had fun, laughter, erotic sex, and lots of experiences we can use in the future with new relationships? It felt like love, but since it didn't last til the end of time, it wasn't? Bullshit."

Everylasting love is a great goal, but it's not the only path to happiness with someone. Sometimes when we say "We moved on," we feel like what we are really saying is, "We failed." But perhaps we actually succeeded. We don't know what life has in store for us. I can tell you that I am a better partner now as a result of my relationship with Adria. I have learnt so much from her and from other past relationships. They are all a part of who I am today, the man my wife loves. And conversely, it is also true that my wife's past loves are a part of who she is. And I am grateful for that. A cliche that holds true for me is it is all about the journey, not the destination. There is no ride into the sunset and fade to black. No finish line.

The above is an extract from a book that I have read fro cover to cover about eight times now, and have skimmed through countless times. It is a very good book, telling the story of a horrific year in the life of a Dave Navarro. The original intention was to document a year, however, after the year the protagonist of the "story" was in fact no better off than at the begining of the story, he had booked himself out of rehab, kicked out off of his friends from his life, and got high. It so happens the book was later published when Dave was comfortable with where he was then, in comparison to his documented year. His new wife, Carmen Electra, gave him a new lease of life. Unfortunately in recent events he got a little too caught up in his work and Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra are now seperated. As you can read from above, written about a year into living with Carmen, Dave has probably got the ability to let go from certain feelings for past lovers.

I thought it would take literally years to get over my relationships, but I can honestly say I think I am over them all. Every single one. Instead "wishing them a very painful life, a very painful death, and wishing I'm around to cause it" to each girl which has nigh on destroyed me, I simply hope they have matured into intelligent young girls, and I hope they have developed the feelings to think about what they've done, from a humanitarian point of view, and I hope they can think "I can't believe I did that, I must have destroyed someone, I will never do that again".

But in some ways I don't really care what happens to them. I mean they presumably don't care about me, so why should I? Unfortunately that is a rational thinking pattern, and feelings don't follow those, really. I can wish someone a very long life of constant torment, but I don't mean it. I couldn't really wish it on anyone. Well I could, but I'm not in the mood!

I'm a bit like a girl really. I have huge moodswings, that change from both extremes, and very rarely stay somewhere in the middle. I can either be very, very upset, or be very, very happy.

At this exact moment in time, I am very happy. Yesterday was such a great day! I spent the day in Hull, thanks to Zack and Sam, wandering around with Christina, which was just so great!

And then, after I got home I was kinda forced to take my three year old cousin to the park, and as she eternally bugs me, I felt a bit down. Ultimately I was joined by a very close friend, who later took me to a party I was meant to go to, but I was much looking forward to just having a nap. At the time I wasn't really looking forward to going. And once I was there I discovered the youngest people there were 12, and near enough Ginnie's entire social network were present, along with one of their mums.

Ultimately it was the best night out I've had in ages! I was on the dancefloor for a long time, near enough every girl had their eye on me, which I thought was because of my attire, but it turns out it was for slightly different reasons. Apparently I am nice looking. I have a phone number in my phone, entitled "emma random", and someone was led to believe I got lucky last night. But obviously I didn't

It was also quite nice, as most of the people in attendance were 17/18, and some of those were the little girls running round asking me out and whatnot while I was working, which was funny to see them a little more grown up. They were all acting so mature, in their little pub environment, which I found very funny.

Last night was also good financially. I went out with no money at all, came home very drunk and with £6.50 in my pocket! This means I will be able to get to work on Sunday, which is great!

Okay, now onto more pressing matters. I'm just gonna be downright honest. Someone, who I loved, and afterwards, appreciated as a friend, apparently thinks I am a shit boyfriend, a shit friend altogether, and simply feels the need to hang around, be friendly, because she feels sorry for me. The last one is not actually from anyone's mouth it is my own conclusion. Regardless, everyone I have talked to about it says she would not ever say this, even if it was how she felt. The truth is, I hope she doesn't find any offence in me believing the comment I had heard. The fact that they had come from two seperate people made me think they were true, but they probably aren't. And if they are, well, I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I have myself for that, and right now, I don't even have that, because I'm too happy for my own good. Unfortunately she is no longer on my MSN list, and I don't particularly want to add her back again just so I can say sorry. And I don't particularly want to go round to her house just to say sorry. In my mind I have done nothing wrong, and still believe what was said to be truth. In a way I meant it when I said I never wanted to see her again. But I can't help feeling awefully guilty, in case it was not true, and I was over-reacting. I want it from her own words that she did not say that, or that if she did she didn't mean it. If she did mean it, then nothing changes. But I did appreciate her kindness and friendship even when we were not together.

I can honestly say I'm over the relationship, and wish Helen the best for the future. Hope you find someone you deserve.

To everyone else reading this, I also have a small announcement to make. I told four of my very closest friends (and a relative but she doesn't count ) something which has bothered me for quite a while now, and Helen actually worked it out, so in all, assuming there were no rumours being spread or whatnot, five people knew about it. A few weeks ago I found a lump next to my right testicle, and I obviously feared the worst. I was not scared of dying really, but I was terrified of not really leaving a legacy. I want to be remembered by my friends and family when I eventually do die, but I have a feeling that I'm not going to die, and it's not going to be because of this, or at least this particular lump anyway. I feared that I would not get a chance to say certain things, or tell certain people how I felt, and that sort of thing.

I can happily ensure everyone that, althought it is still there, it is not cancer, and thank all four of you, even though one will probably never read this, for your concern. You've been great friends and I'm going to really miss you! Please stay in touch, and come visit me when I'm in my new house, as of this Tuesday (all going to plan). I would be very happy to come and visit you all, if you don't mind. That goes for all my friends, not just the four I felt had to know about my problem.

Thanks very much for reading this,
Graeme xx