Forever and ever. I had this idea in previous columns of forever and ever. Where did that come from? I mean, 'til death do us part is an awesome goal, but where does it say that for love to be successful, it has to last that long? I know so many people who are discouraged by love because it fails to be everlasting. In fact, I was one of those people.

I now say "Why does it have to? Hasn't the experience been a good one? Haven't we grown as individuals? Have we had fun, laughter, erotic sex, and lots of experiences we can use in the future with new relationships? It felt like love, but since it didn't last til the end of time, it wasn't? Bullshit."

Everylasting love is a great goal, but it's not the only path to happiness with someone. Sometimes when we say "We moved on," we feel like what we are really saying is, "We failed." But perhaps we actually succeeded. We don't know what life has in store for us. I can tell you that I am a better partner now as a result of my relationship with Adria. I have learnt so much from her and from other past relationships. They are all a part of who I am today, the man my wife loves. And conversely, it is also true that my wife's past loves are a part of who she is. And I am grateful for that. A cliche that holds true for me is it is all about the journey, not the destination. There is no ride into the sunset and fade to black. No finish line.

The above is an extract from a book that I have read fro cover to cover about eight times now, and have skimmed through countless times. It is a very good book, telling the story of a horrific year in the life of a Dave Navarro. The original intention was to document a year, however, after the year the protagonist of the "story" was in fact no better off than at the begining of the story, he had booked himself out of rehab, kicked out off of his friends from his life, and got high. It so happens the book was later published when Dave was comfortable with where he was then, in comparison to his documented year. His new wife, Carmen Electra, gave him a new lease of life. Unfortunately in recent events he got a little too caught up in his work and Dave Navarro and Carmen Electra are now seperated. As you can read from above, written about a year into living with Carmen, Dave has probably got the ability to let go from certain feelings for past lovers.

I thought it would take literally years to get over my relationships, but I can honestly say I think I am over them all. Every single one. Instead "wishing them a very painful life, a very painful death, and wishing I'm around to cause it" to each girl which has nigh on destroyed me, I simply hope they have matured into intelligent young girls, and I hope they have developed the feelings to think about what they've done, from a humanitarian point of view, and I hope they can think "I can't believe I did that, I must have destroyed someone, I will never do that again".

But in some ways I don't really care what happens to them. I mean they presumably don't care about me, so why should I? Unfortunately that is a rational thinking pattern, and feelings don't follow those, really. I can wish someone a very long life of constant torment, but I don't mean it. I couldn't really wish it on anyone. Well I could, but I'm not in the mood!

I'm a bit like a girl really. I have huge moodswings, that change from both extremes, and very rarely stay somewhere in the middle. I can either be very, very upset, or be very, very happy.

At this exact moment in time, I am very happy. Yesterday was such a great day! I spent the day in Hull, thanks to Zack and Sam, wandering around with Christina, which was just so great!

And then, after I got home I was kinda forced to take my three year old cousin to the park, and as she eternally bugs me, I felt a bit down. Ultimately I was joined by a very close friend, who later took me to a party I was meant to go to, but I was much looking forward to just having a nap. At the time I wasn't really looking forward to going. And once I was there I discovered the youngest people there were 12, and near enough Ginnie's entire social network were present, along with one of their mums.

Ultimately it was the best night out I've had in ages! I was on the dancefloor for a long time, near enough every girl had their eye on me, which I thought was because of my attire, but it turns out it was for slightly different reasons. Apparently I am nice looking. I have a phone number in my phone, entitled "emma random", and someone was led to believe I got lucky last night. But obviously I didn't

It was also quite nice, as most of the people in attendance were 17/18, and some of those were the little girls running round asking me out and whatnot while I was working, which was funny to see them a little more grown up. They were all acting so mature, in their little pub environment, which I found very funny.

Last night was also good financially. I went out with no money at all, came home very drunk and with £6.50 in my pocket! This means I will be able to get to work on Sunday, which is great!

Okay, now onto more pressing matters. I'm just gonna be downright honest. Someone, who I loved, and afterwards, appreciated as a friend, apparently thinks I am a shit boyfriend, a shit friend altogether, and simply feels the need to hang around, be friendly, because she feels sorry for me. The last one is not actually from anyone's mouth it is my own conclusion. Regardless, everyone I have talked to about it says she would not ever say this, even if it was how she felt. The truth is, I hope she doesn't find any offence in me believing the comment I had heard. The fact that they had come from two seperate people made me think they were true, but they probably aren't. And if they are, well, I don't need anyone to feel sorry for me. I have myself for that, and right now, I don't even have that, because I'm too happy for my own good. Unfortunately she is no longer on my MSN list, and I don't particularly want to add her back again just so I can say sorry. And I don't particularly want to go round to her house just to say sorry. In my mind I have done nothing wrong, and still believe what was said to be truth. In a way I meant it when I said I never wanted to see her again. But I can't help feeling awefully guilty, in case it was not true, and I was over-reacting. I want it from her own words that she did not say that, or that if she did she didn't mean it. If she did mean it, then nothing changes. But I did appreciate her kindness and friendship even when we were not together.

I can honestly say I'm over the relationship, and wish Helen the best for the future. Hope you find someone you deserve.

To everyone else reading this, I also have a small announcement to make. I told four of my very closest friends (and a relative but she doesn't count ) something which has bothered me for quite a while now, and Helen actually worked it out, so in all, assuming there were no rumours being spread or whatnot, five people knew about it. A few weeks ago I found a lump next to my right testicle, and I obviously feared the worst. I was not scared of dying really, but I was terrified of not really leaving a legacy. I want to be remembered by my friends and family when I eventually do die, but I have a feeling that I'm not going to die, and it's not going to be because of this, or at least this particular lump anyway. I feared that I would not get a chance to say certain things, or tell certain people how I felt, and that sort of thing.

I can happily ensure everyone that, althought it is still there, it is not cancer, and thank all four of you, even though one will probably never read this, for your concern. You've been great friends and I'm going to really miss you! Please stay in touch, and come visit me when I'm in my new house, as of this Tuesday (all going to plan). I would be very happy to come and visit you all, if you don't mind. That goes for all my friends, not just the four I felt had to know about my problem.

Thanks very much for reading this,
Graeme xx

A very nice man once told me to be careful. He said never to trust anyone, and everyone will stab you in the back if the risk is worth it. He died a few months later, and I was very, very young. It took me years to ponder on what he meant, I mean surely not anyone would stab you in the back?

Over the years, I gradually understood that his wise words could, and probably should, be applied to certain contexts. Women. Up until my ninth girlfriend, I assumed they were after their own thing. They didn't want friendship, they wanted security, or money, or something to keep them occupied when they weren't with their real boyfriends.

My ninth girlfriend made me change all that. Her name is Sarah, she was nice. All went pearshaped, titside up and inside out. Kinda messy. Well anyway, at this point, I had just moved house, was in a totally new environment. I thought, I'll try being a different person, see what happens. I didn't stand up for myself anymore, I did what people asked, if they asked nicely, and I turned down girls. Normally I just said "yeah", dated, had a bit of fun, and just wait for it to end. I was a walkover. Then I met my tenth girlfriend (assuming I'm counting right), and all of a sudden I was in love. I mean really in love, I felt myself changing, but at first it wasn't a consious thought, it just happened, little by little. I was fighting with myself whether to ask her out, I mean I'd never done that before, but somewhere inside me, I was being told "this is the one, get it!"

Before this I thought I found someone and tried to woo her, but to be honest I just couldn't be arsed. I mean, she wasn't really the kind of person to be with, it would have been more friendship than anything. It was common interests alone, so I let it pass, rather forcefully. Anyway, I occasionally thought about what my Great Granddad had said to me the last time I saw him, but I always thought "nope. this is the one. I'm gonna die with this one." I did everything I could think of, romantic gestures, everything. Everything that isn;t me. Everything I could think of to keep her.

And then fate shovels shit in my face.

I've decided I'm going back to the brutally honest old me. There are gonna be a few changes though. I'm not going to date anyone unless I am absolutely positive they are 100% against a proper relationship. Fuck that. Wise words. My back's full of holes enough as it is.

One year and two days have passed since something that makes me feel tremendously bad, and after about a week of pushing it to the back of my head I have decided to openly admit to myself that I really cannot forget about it. As much as I've tried, revision does not come before her, and I truly hope she is still content, laughing at our stupid mistakes from afar. God bless, see you soon.


Let the memories of her last forever more:
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I realy hate it when you watch something really sad, like a movie where one of the main characters dies of a brain tumor, for example, and the movie ends with the death, you are left to guess how the families cope, how the older brother copes, just everything like that. When you watch something like that, sometimes you know it's going to be a sad movie, but I usually just watch random stuff I download without even considering what it is, unless it's part of a series or something. Anyway, point is, I dunno if everyone else feels like this, but I personally am left feeling pretty upset after watching something like this, and it reminds you how much you should appreciate life, and your loved ones. You can't help but put yourself into the various roles depicted on television, and you wonder what it wouild be like, say, if your little sister suddenly developed a terminal problem, but everyone's optimistic, a great doctor is called in, and everything looks good, and the next thing you know, is you are leaving an empty ward with the book your little sister was watching.

It's sad really, but human nature involves comparison. I'm thankful because it puts everything into perspective. Regardless, I still hate you all! Bar a select few, you know who you are...

Anyway, on with the journal entry. Been watching smallville back to back, up to episode 9 of season 2, which I think is pretty cool! Have group project stuff due in tuesday, I've done I reckon most of it, just gotta finnish it up. Got maths coursework due in Monday, I haven't started it, I've turned up to one lecture since christmas, and to be honest, I really can't be arsed to do it. I've always hated maths. It's okay when it has some use behind it.. I don't mind using a bit of maths to work out how much carpet I need, for example. Hell, I dunno if I'm the only one, but I sometimes find it fun to try and work stuff out in my head, test myself. Sometimes think of an answer and work backwards to the question. If that makes sense. But anyway, this coursework is nothing like that, hell it's not even called maths! "Quantitative Methods for Computing". Bollocks. Here, I'll show ya!

Here you can see (if you look at the last question of this sheet) the first question (of 5) of my maths coursework. Make sure you're sitting down.
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Started downloading Supersize Me, hopefully it'll stop me liking burger king, but I doubt it. I've seen what alcohol does to the system and I still drink lager for breakfast.

MEH.

I have done something that only the purest geek would rejoice about. Okay, so I have a 64 bit processor, hell, who doesn't? I mean a girl from upstairs has one and doesn't even know it! I mean seriously, these days 64-bit processors are common as hobos in 'ull. That would be saying something, but some of you geeky people may not have seen some homeless bums in 'ull recently, so I'll make another comparison. Woolworths PLC, the nice people that they are, are going to be selling 64-bit computers, with actual dedicated graphics cards. Surely that's saying something? Well.. as they say over at Microsoft.com... "Vista is coming, get ready". So who cares that Vista has full 64 bit support? Whoopdidoda, so do variations of Linux, and tecnhically there have been 64-bit versions of Windows Server for a few years now..

Well anyway, the point is.. I have done something, deemed crazy by some people, deemed pure genius by others. And not deemed at all, by everyone else. Basically I now have Windows XP Professional 64-Bit edition. And I am in a complete 64-bit environment, no "dual boot with normal windows" or anything like that. Just 64-bits of goodness. That's where the goodness ends, unfortunately.

Windows XP 64 has pretty damn bad compatibility for 32-bit stuff. I mean, I tried to install WinDVD, and I get a lovely error message. "Required DLL can only be used in a native 32-bit environment".. okay, so big whoop! I can't watch dvds in WinDVD.. it sucks anyway

So that's where the troubles end? I think not.. MSN Messenger is only 32-bit, at the time of writing, which means it's a little jerky. Hasn't crashed yet, but you can see it will eventually. firefox is probably just as bad to be honest.

Now with the good things! Windows XP 64 comes complete with two (yes, 2) different versions of Internet Explorer. Very handy if you happen to enjoy looking at start menu items, pointing and squealing loudly. 32-bit and 64-bit versions of Internet Explorer are included in the package. Pretty good. If I didn't prefer Firefox, but meh, there's the novelty of screaming at people with screenshots of the start menu at hand. what else is good about 64bit Windows? In the past, going back to the days of '95, Windows Media Player has always been crap.. I mean really really crap. Anyone with more than two (yes that's 2) brain cells and a basic knowledge of reading magazines or internet web pages would know WinAmp is the way forward. I mean since the days of '95, WMP just crashes, freezes, and has trouble with codecs. Don't even mention DVDs in it!

Well anyway, WMP in a 64-bit environment isn't exactly "half bad". It's actually pretty good. The only noticeable difference is the "All TV" between the "All Music" and "All Videos" we now have burnt into our eyes. But in all honesty, WMP hasn't once frozen, or even looked half baked. Hell, if it didn't say so all over it, I would think this wasn't a by product of Microsoft's regular toilet trip. But like I said, this is pretty decent!

Okay, if I had to chose one more advantage to WinXP64 I would say its the default wallpaper. I mean christ, it just tells the world (or rather the people looking at your computer) you have a 64-bit computer, and have an Operating System to support it. There is a god!

But overall, this really is only half baked. Wait for Vista. And make sure you have a 64-bit processor (I recommend anything above AMD Athlon 64 3700+, preferably Dual Core), and a dedicated graphics card (anything with 128mb of on board RAM, but as a general rule go for the highest RAM count you can afford).

To be honest, any company who dominates the market and decides to make something barely anyone has the standard, are a very clever, if annoying, company.

Seriously, out of every computer bought in the last 3 years, how many have a dedicated graphics card? As a general rule, if it cost £550 or less, it doesn't. So unless you spent a small fortune on a computer, you aint running Vista. But I can guarantee half of the pwople who can't run it will still spend a good £250 on it!

Hey, they all bought Windows 2000, which was essentially an upgrade of NT. And anyone knows NT is for office use only! Heh, NT is shit. I mean to log on you need to hold down control, alternate and delete. A lethal combination I might add!

But to be fair, all those halfwits went out and bought WindowsMe. Clever. an average of 5 "blue screens of death" per computer per day. Not bad, for £80. At least XP was better. It even kindly reminds you are running a microsoft product. "Your computer may be at risk".. yeah course it is, you fucking prat, it's running windows! It's almost like picking uip a heroin needle and it saying nice and neatly down the side "you may be using an illegal drug". FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!

But yeah, go vista! whoo!